Dear S.J.

A year later and you're still on my mind. Whether it is figuratively or literally, you're gone. But I miss all that you emboded. Someone I could share all my fears, desires, dreams without fear of being judged. Someone I never had to explain myself when talking. It seems recently people just do not "get me". I appear rude. Liar. Non-funny. *I'll give them that one.*

What we had wasn't real. Wasn't tangible. But the little we did had meant so much to me. I've craved that these past few days. The wake up calls. The good nights. The laughter. The intelligence. The warmth. The love. The dreams.

I have a recording of your voice. I hold onto that. Listening to songs we loved together.

Thinking.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Hoping.

We don't need Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

More Dreams

This time I was in my old Junior High. And yes, I'm old, so it was called junior high and not middle school. This school is from the turn of the century. Bricks throughout. Big solid almost marble like stairs. The gym in the middle and the school built in a U around it. So, for whatever reason I am there kinda going to school again, but I am an adult. I spill my cherry limeade on the steps and go to clean it. It has gotten all over this girl's flip project. (This girl was the girl in highschool that was always put together.) I tried cleaning it off, but it had leaked under the laminate. Which I thought was odd. Then I well, then I had to fly. I had superpowers. I flew to do something in a completely different part of the world that couldn't lead to me, because I was at school and no one knew I could fly.

Suddenly I was at a party. It was a cocktail party. I was there with this guy I totally adore, but I have never met. (ahhh internet "dating") An old friend of both of ours was there. She was a friend of mine, and they use to be hot and heavy into each other. So I said the polite thing to do would be to go dance with her. He did. He never returned. I was back scrubbing the project -- trying to make it all better.

Letters from listeners

Hey Gorgeous. I noticed recently(yes it takes me a while) that you dont seem to like Corey much(the Italian Writer) and I was just wondering what caused you to dislike him. Im just trying to figure out what some people are seeing that others dont. Thanks. Hope to see you at FF.

My response:
Hey, It truly doesn't matter if I like/don't like someone . . right??? People see and value things differently which is why some fall in love and some fall out of love.
People think I'm nuts for liking this guy in FL-- who not only stood me up when I flew to see him (not that I wasn't to blame for a piece of that), but he continuely cuts off all communication with me. Yet, I hear his voice and melt. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He makes me feel. Yet, he breaks my heart. I value the first more so than the last I guess. And I risk the breaking heart for a chance to melt, laugh, & feel.

So fuck what people think (unless there is emotional or physical abuse happening).


What I really wanted to say: I can't stand bullshitters!!! OMG!!! A fucking "walking coma" for 2 years because your mom gave you pills!! You became a cop and had no clue???? WTF!!! Enhancing stories is one thing . . .lying is different.

I want Dos Reales moments.

Tonight at dinner with my boss, his wife and a co-worker we discussed souls. Why did I get this body and you get yours? (Well actually the co-worker discussed it.) I believe you got you because that sperm met that egg. Part of who you are you are because of that chance encounter. Right time. Right place. Part of who you are is based on life experiences. Nature. Nurture. Psychology 101.

My boss said this. Life is simply Dos Reales moments. (Dos Reales is this brilliant Mexican restaurant that I will always firmly believe is NOT a chain but a quaint mom and pop place that through good businessship expanded.) Those moments that you get just sitting with good friends and talking.

Moments in college when you and your two best friends lay with heads touching under a fully bloomed tree on the perfect spring day talking about dreams and aspirations.

The moment in the car with your mother as you talk about childhood memories of using her brand new heart shape cake pans for your mud pies. Which as any mud-pie baker knows -- you must beat the living dickens out of them in order to get them to come out in one piece!

All those moments in life that are so insignificant yet so soul filling that you never want the moment to end.

When after 24 years having family dinners that weren't complete, having one. The moment of silence when you realize that there is no tension, no arguing, no oldest sister, but the father and mother that finally could be friends again.

The moment you lay next to someone you like, just existing with them.

The moment the man you desire more than anything calls you to say, "Happy Birthday". And when asked what you want, you simply reply, "Dos Reales moments with you."

The Audit.

It was actually fairly painless. It began with a litany of questions.

Do you have any off-shore accounts?
Do you gamble?
Do you own rental property or properties?
Do you have a hobby that earns money?

I truly forgot to add in a payment of $2,000 from a university that I taught at in the spring of '04 which never would have been noticed if I hadn't deducted $15,500 in medical bills for my lap band surgery. RED FLAG! I also put some money earned from a 1099 onto the wrong line. Thus, what I had to pay back only equaled the amount that I owed from the 1099 and nothing more.

Soooooo
Accountant $145
Supplies for audit $53.17
Joking about being an escort as a hobby: 5-10.

Dreams

Okay these dreams are fairly old so the memeory of them is going but . . I'll attempt.

I was in a car asking for directions in a town which was a mix of my small hometown of Oakley and parts of Wichita Kansas. . .(dirt roads, saloon type businesses etc. . .) Anyway, I'm driving and suddenly I arrive at my pot luck dinner -- only to find the need to wrestle an alligator!!! Which I do (because I watch Steve on the alligator hunter and am suddenly an expert) I'm yelling for the duct tape, because I know that they can't open their jaws once duct taped.


At this point in time I have no memeory of my other dream which was just as disturbing to me -- the dream & the fact I CAN'T REMEMBER IT!!!! I need a lap top next to my bed so when I awake, I can record the sickness I have that comes to life in my slumber.

Or or . . now go with me on this . . or I could
write.
it.
down.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh retro pen and paper . . . I love retro: lunchboxes, art deco lighting

Tomorrow.
Audit.
Depends needed.

What is it about me that I'm drawn and attracted to men who treat me poorly? I do this to the point that I stop seeing someone that is treating me extremely well (a tad nuts but so am I.) to only trade it with someone who makes me emotionally raw. But but but but he is what I want in a man. Intelligent. Witty. Creative. Talented. Beautiful. Sexy. He definitely has those qualities and so much more. Yet at the same time, he has been the one man in my life who has treated the most disrespectful, the most 'thrown away', the most disregaurded. The most used.

He says he is my friend. Yet when I have needed him the most this past month, there would be no way I'd get a hold of him if I called, texted or emailed. He gets them. Just doesn't return them. I have only heard from him in the past few weeks when I have 'done something wrong' in his eyes. Sooooooo, being the mature 30 something yeat old I am, I did more things wrong. I created more drama. I sent messages that were desperate but what else worked?!?

He so has the power to draw me into his world only to shun me. THREE times!!!! (I know the saying so shut up!) The first time: He started dating someone else. 2nd time: He started seeing someone else. 3rd time: I dunno yet, but I can guess. ;) I totally understand why women go back to abusive situations. You can convince yourself that this time IS different. It will work. You believe in the dream of the relationship versus the reality of it. You believe the promises. You hold onto the words and their meanings versus the treatment or actions bestowed upon you.

So this time I don't sit around and wait when his patterns change. I start dating others. He calls. I'm pissy to him. This upsets him. This upsets him???? Because I don't hear from him for weeks and weeks, and I'm suppose to be gracious that he finally calls. I don't how to talk to him anymore. The words are empty and meaningless. They have proven to mean nothing to him, yet I believe them time after time after time.

Yet I pray he calls, so I can hear him say my name just one more time.