The Dating Life of a Kansas City Fat Chick

2006-09-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

Dear S.J.

A year later and you're still on my mind. Whether it is figuratively or literally, you're gone. But I miss all that you emboded. Someone I could share all my fears, desires, dreams without fear of being judged. Someone I never had to explain myself when talking. It seems recently people just do not "get me". I appear rude. Liar. Non-funny. *I'll give them that one.*

What we had wasn't real. Wasn't tangible. But the little we did had meant so much to me. I've craved that these past few days. The wake up calls. The good nights. The laughter. The intelligence. The warmth. The love. The dreams.

I have a recording of your voice. I hold onto that. Listening to songs we loved together.

Thinking.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Hoping.

We don't need Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

2006-06-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

More Dreams

This time I was in my old Junior High. And yes, I'm old, so it was called junior high and not middle school. This school is from the turn of the century. Bricks throughout. Big solid almost marble like stairs. The gym in the middle and the school built in a U around it. So, for whatever reason I am there kinda going to school again, but I am an adult. I spill my cherry limeade on the steps and go to clean it. It has gotten all over this girl's flip project. (This girl was the girl in highschool that was always put together.) I tried cleaning it off, but it had leaked under the laminate. Which I thought was odd. Then I well, then I had to fly. I had superpowers. I flew to do something in a completely different part of the world that couldn't lead to me, because I was at school and no one knew I could fly.

Suddenly I was at a party. It was a cocktail party. I was there with this guy I totally adore, but I have never met. (ahhh internet "dating") An old friend of both of ours was there. She was a friend of mine, and they use to be hot and heavy into each other. So I said the polite thing to do would be to go dance with her. He did. He never returned. I was back scrubbing the project -- trying to make it all better.

2006-05-24T14:08:00.000-05:00

Letters from listeners

Hey Gorgeous. I noticed recently(yes it takes me a while) that you dont seem to like Corey much(the Italian Writer) and I was just wondering what caused you to dislike him. Im just trying to figure out what some people are seeing that others dont. Thanks. Hope to see you at FF.

My response:
Hey, It truly doesn't matter if I like/don't like someone . . right??? People see and value things differently which is why some fall in love and some fall out of love.
People think I'm nuts for liking this guy in FL-- who not only stood me up when I flew to see him (not that I wasn't to blame for a piece of that), but he continuely cuts off all communication with me. Yet, I hear his voice and melt. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He makes me feel. Yet, he breaks my heart. I value the first more so than the last I guess. And I risk the breaking heart for a chance to melt, laugh, & feel.

So fuck what people think (unless there is emotional or physical abuse happening).

What I really wanted to say: I can't stand bullshitters!!! OMG!!! A fucking "walking coma" for 2 years because your mom gave you pills!! You became a cop and had no clue???? WTF!!! Enhancing stories is one thing . . .lying is different.

2006-04-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

I want Dos Reales moments.

Tonight at dinner with my boss, his wife and a co-worker we discussed souls. Why did I get this body and you get yours? (Well actually the co-worker discussed it.) I believe you got you because that sperm met that egg. Part of who you are you are because of that chance encounter. Right time. Right place. Part of who you are is based on life experiences. Nature. Nurture. Psychology 101.

My boss said this. Life is simply Dos Reales moments. (Dos Reales is this brilliant Mexican restaurant that I will always firmly believe is NOT a chain but a quaint mom and pop place that through good businessship expanded.) Those moments that you get just sitting with good friends and talking.

Moments in college when you and your two best friends lay with heads touching under a fully bloomed tree on the perfect spring day talking about dreams and aspirations.

The moment in the car with your mother as you talk about childhood memories of using her brand new heart shape cake pans for your mud pies. Which as any mud-pie baker knows -- you must beat the living dickens out of them in order to get them to come out in one piece!

All those moments in life that are so insignificant yet so soul filling that you never want the moment to end.

When after 24 years having family dinners that weren't complete, having one. The moment of silence when you realize that there is no tension, no arguing, no oldest sister, but the father and mother that finally could be friends again.

The moment you lay next to someone you like, just existing with them.

The moment the man you desire more than anything calls you to say, "Happy Birthday". And when asked what you want, you simply reply, "Dos Reales moments with you."

2006-04-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

The Audit.

It was actually fairly painless. It began with a litany of questions.

Do you have any off-shore accounts?
Do you gamble?
Do you own rental property or properties?
Do you have a hobby that earns money?

I truly forgot to add in a payment of $2,000 from a university that I taught at in the spring of '04 which never would have been noticed if I hadn't deducted $15,500 in medical bills for my lap band surgery. RED FLAG! I also put some money earned from a 1099 onto the wrong line. Thus, what I had to pay back only equaled the amount that I owed from the 1099 and nothing more.

Soooooo
Accountant $145
Supplies for audit $53.17
Joking about being an escort as a hobby: 5-10.

2006-04-07T07:42:00.000-05:00

Dreams

Okay these dreams are fairly old so the memeory of them is going but . . I'll attempt.

I was in a car asking for directions in a town which was a mix of my small hometown of Oakley and parts of Wichita Kansas. . .(dirt roads, saloon type businesses etc. . .) Anyway, I'm driving and suddenly I arrive at my pot luck dinner -- only to find the need to wrestle an alligator!!! Which I do (because I watch Steve on the alligator hunter and am suddenly an expert) I'm yelling for the duct tape, because I know that they can't open their jaws once duct taped.

At this point in time I have no memeory of my other dream which was just as disturbing to me -- the dream & the fact I CAN'T REMEMBER IT!!!! I need a lap top next to my bed so when I awake, I can record the sickness I have that comes to life in my slumber.

Or or . . now go with me on this . . or I could
write.
it.
down.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh retro pen and paper . . . I love retro: lunchboxes, art deco lighting

2006-02-22T21:49:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow.
Audit.
Depends needed.

2006-02-22T21:22:00.000-06:00

What is it about me that I'm drawn and attracted to men who treat me poorly? I do this to the point that I stop seeing someone that is treating me extremely well (a tad nuts but so am I.) to only trade it with someone who makes me emotionally raw. But but but but he is what I want in a man. Intelligent. Witty. Creative. Talented. Beautiful. Sexy. He definitely has those qualities and so much more. Yet at the same time, he has been the one man in my life who has treated the most disrespectful, the most 'thrown away', the most disregaurded. The most used.

He says he is my friend. Yet when I have needed him the most this past month, there would be no way I'd get a hold of him if I called, texted or emailed. He gets them. Just doesn't return them. I have only heard from him in the past few weeks when I have 'done something wrong' in his eyes. Sooooooo, being the mature 30 something yeat old I am, I did more things wrong. I created more drama. I sent messages that were desperate but what else worked?!?

He so has the power to draw me into his world only to shun me. THREE times!!!! (I know the saying so shut up!) The first time: He started dating someone else. 2nd time: He started seeing someone else. 3rd time: I dunno yet, but I can guess. ;) I totally understand why women go back to abusive situations. You can convince yourself that this time IS different. It will work. You believe in the dream of the relationship versus the reality of it. You believe the promises. You hold onto the words and their meanings versus the treatment or actions bestowed upon you.

So this time I don't sit around and wait when his patterns change. I start dating others. He calls. I'm pissy to him. This upsets him. This upsets him???? Because I don't hear from him for weeks and weeks, and I'm suppose to be gracious that he finally calls. I don't how to talk to him anymore. The words are empty and meaningless. They have proven to mean nothing to him, yet I believe them time after time after time.

Yet I pray he calls, so I can hear him say my name just one more time.

2006-02-15T23:13:00.000-06:00

The twenty-three year old wants to hang out with me and kiss me at concerts and such. Not because he really cares or perhaps likes me, but I'm convient. While I want someone I can put as my 'contact in case of emergency person' instead of my MOM!!!

Learned the past ex is dating a super super hot chick. His anger management issues I'm sure are put at bay for her. And his weiner is working perfectly. Why? Pretty girls can do a lot more shit and guys hide a lot more shit. If you ask why a guy is dating some uber bitch, his reponse is usually a shrug and "she's pretty" or "her body is smoking". I, on the other hand, have only a brilliant personality but not looks. Therefore, I must be on perfect behavior or shat upon because . . .

The last date I went on the guy spent all day Sunday convincing me he liked me. We went out again to only never hear from after that. "Our schedules". Blah. He is now seeing someone else. If you truly are 'in to someone', schedules don't get in the way of that.

One guy I really want to like but shouldn't (but dream of him nightly)--Never answers when I call. Doesn't respond to emails, text, or other forms of communication. Yet drops in from Time-to-Time to remind me of what? Ohhhh I like you. Sortof. But you're not really important enough to make part of my life.

I'll get off my pity party. Did I mention I'm getting audited and scared shitless. Spent Valentine's Day surrounded by 869 people yet was all alone. Have no money to replace a broken tv, a computer on its last leg, or to buy perky boobs for myself.

Okay. I get another 24 hours to sulk and cry and send awful text messages. AND I did make this deal with myself. I would either win the lottery or hear from Mr. Time-to-Time Man.

The son-of-a-bitch owes me 300 million.

2006-02-09T11:54:00.000-06:00

E-harmony.com or Match.com

Okay, so that past few weeks have been horrid -- emotionally. When put into perspective of the miners' families or the family in New England that lost their daughter and granddaughter possibly at the hands of her husband, my life is TRULYnot that bad . . . . but at the time, I was wanting this life to end and for me to start a new one.
Why?

Audited by the IRS: The worse that can happen is that they make me pay back my refund plus pay what they think I owe. However, I think I'll be fine once I show them that I COULD deduct a 15K surgery. But it is scaring the shit out of me to have to go meet this IRS lady -- no matter how nice she sounds. If I bring someone with me, that 'll just cost me more $$ I don't have. YET! Their expertise could save me having to owe over $1500 to the US government. AND and, I can't find a record of that year's return. I'm thinking though, THEY should have fucking copy of it. That is how they flagged to audit me.

Work: I love my second job very much, but it can play on your self-esteem. Well only if you have self-esteem issues from the beginning. Teaching job is at the most stress right now: parent/teacher conferences, state testing, and a classroom full of students not on grade level.

Relationships: See other blogs. But in general the men in my life make me feel completely unimportant. I truly need to stop dating listeners and chat people. But I work at a school (all girls), I go to the radio station and radio events, & I chat. Where else am I suppose to meet someone????

So: I got my shit together (almost) for IRS thing, work is work, & I went out on a date with a new guy.
Eventhough the new guy doesn't like me anymore.
And was a listener.

Soooooo . . . Eharmony.com or match.com????

2006-01-11T22:29:00.000-06:00

When did my life turn into the tv show Elimidate?

I mean . .the dating scene is truly just one big real game of elimidate. . . most of us though try to do it one person at a time.

So New Years Eve, I go to a swinger's bar with a guy I've gone out with a few times. Actually this person will introduce himself as my boyfriend. If you're not a swinger, it is like going to a gay bar when you're not gay . . . Just there to hang out and dance . . which we did. He drank and got really wasted. Really Really Really wasTED. Being at a swinger's bar, he of course tried to convince me New Years just wouldn't be the same without having a threesome with another girl. My response was perhaps we should explore having sex together before anything like that happens with other people. (Not that I do that . well not 2 girls ;) )

So we go to my place. He passes out.
Next day.
It is around noon, and we're starving. We have a fetish for Mexican restaurants, so we find one open. We get our lunch (chicken enchiladas with sweet mole), and he starts to ask me about last night due to the fact he had 12 red bull and vodkas and two margaritas. I mention the two lesbians that danced and how much he liked that. How he tried to convince me to take them home. . Etc. He responds that he does remember those ladies.

"Which one did you like better?" ( Bad, bad bad BAD question on my part because there can be no good answer. Brilliant man says, no preference. Genius says, I like you the best.)

Chris said, "Oh the brunette, of course you know my fondness for brunettes." (I'm blonde.) . .And he continues, "And in fact, until now, that would have been the biggest I'd have dated. I mean what do you do with all that in bed."

Me. Silence. Shoveling mole sauce into my mouth. He didn't. He did NOT just say I wouldn't know how to fuck a fat chick in bed. No wonder he hasn't wanted to fuck me.

I wouldn't dare say something to him about that though. Not right there. Not clear up the manner right when it happened. That, my friend, would be absolutely absurd. So I stew.

Tuesday Night.
I text him, "Do you find me sexy?" Not even what I want to know. I can't even clear up something in the right manner. Anyway, that simply sentence turns into three days of texting and an email which says he is going to take some time and space. I send back an email that of course didn't make the situation better. Every sentence he wrote, I responded to and not very diplomatically.

Did I have a right to be hurt and offended? YES! But jesus christ, handle it better.

Fast forward to Sunday. He is out listening to music, and he texts me once again. I tell him that part of the problem is that I'm over sensitive about my size and on top of it don't confront when I need to clarify something. Tuesday night we go to dinner. On the way home, ON THE FUCKING WAY home he informs me that he IS dating other people . . but but but "I'm not sleeping with any of them."

OMG! Then why am I needed in this equation? Why start contacting me again when basically I knew we were done? Just to 'show me' how I fucked up and lost a really nice dating partner. Did you need to rub it in some more? I mean when you're dating more than one person at a time what you're really saying is "Eh I like you. Kinda. But definitely not enough to just see you." Futhermore, when men date me and are dating other people, I never get picked. It is like I'm back in elementary school playing dodge ball; picked last and out first.

So . . . .did I say something? Did I learn my lesson and ask everything that raced through my mind right there in the car? How long has this been occurring? How many other people are you dating? Is it because I gave you the week to be peeved at me and the "drama" I created, that she got a foot in the door?

Off to stew. . .

2005-12-30T09:35:00.000-06:00

At Least I Understand the Rules of a One Night Stand

I have this friend whose name rhymes with Kevin. At some points in my life, he has been more than a friend. He truly gets my personality, and I don't have to explain myself to him, much. He does everything in his power to bring/pull me back into his life only to completely shut me off from it. Intellectually I realize these are deep seated personal demons that he has. I can't imagine some of the things he has had to endure. The whole catch in this is that I have never physically met him. Ahhh internet 'dating'. (Which is a fucking oxymoron. Me, I'm just the latter of that.)

Now "Kevin" has this friend I'll call Seth. Seth is a real lady's man I hear. Picks up chicks in bars. Can usually get which ever one he wants. I don't know this for certain just through conversations with "Kevin". Kevin thinks the way Seth treats women is horrible. However out of the two ways, I'd take Seth's over Kevin's anyday.

At least going home with a guy for one night I know what I'm getting. HOPEFULLY a great night of sex only to hear, "I'll call" in the morning but knowing you'll most likely not hear from them again. Which is fine. You sign up for that deal the moment you get a bit trashed and fuck a guy you've just met a bar.

Now Kevin talks a huge game. Says all the right stuff. Makes you laugh til your stomach hurts, talks politics, says your name barely above a whisper to make your knees weak. Promises you the world. Only to do what? NOTHING. He does nothing with all the feelings and promises except throw them away.

Either he physically can't meet me, because
1. he has a wife and three kids
2. he emotionally isn't ready
3. of work
4. of family
5. of other personal demons
6. he truly doesn't want to meet. He got out of the 'relationship' what he needed and now that it isn't needed anymore, neither am I.

It is a moot point as to which of the reasons it is. You can't want someone more than they want you and expect it to work.
The whole game is
1. relationships are not easy and if you're not willing to work at them don't get involved in the first place. They can hurt and suck at times but if you truly like the person, you work it out. You can really hurt or suck at times, but if you like the person you don't shove them away because you feel bad. You let them listen and understand and know what is going on because that is how you treat someone you 'love'.
2. You have to find someone who likes you as much as you like them otherwise one person gets used while the other gets his cake and eats it too
3. Be strong to not allow users in or back into your life.

Number three was for me.
The rest . . . .

2005-12-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

Option B Is the Answer

Option A: Never talking again
Option B: Remembering the internet is just a fairy tale. "Eventhough all of these nothings have meant so much more than a lot of somethings."
Option C: Using Adrienne's method to get Peter Brady to get what she wants. "I get what I want or I walk." He gave her what she wanted. I guess not only am I no Demi, I'm no Adrienne either.
Option D: Talking and dreaming and planning but stopping there.
Option E: Becoming George Bernard Shaw & Miss Patrick Campbell

2005-12-07T08:02:00.000-06:00

Besides "I'm NO Demi" other reasons from '05 as to why I'm going to hell

Married.
Wife Shopping with the four month old.
Two-year old watching Bob The Builder downstairs.
Oral statisfaction upstairs.

I haven't even talked about St. Patrick's Day yet.
I'm kharmically doomed.

2005-11-28T01:10:00.000-06:00

I'm No Demi.

So after weeks and weeks of telling this guy I was involved with someone and then that someone stopped calling when he said he would or basically at all, I went out.

We had Mexican food. We talked about our families. HIS MOM IS 39. He is 23. I'm 35. His MOM IS 39!!

You can't be my mom, so stop thinking that.

It is weird. What if I had a 19 year old?

You don't. And if you did you wouldn't be the same person sitting here.

Dammit. Logic!
Then off to the Record Bar to watch The Elders! What a fun band to watch . . .but I wouldn't buy the record. I have often thought that MTV should do a Real World with older people to see what would happen. I learned that nothing would be that different. Just more wrinkles. This lady front of me told her husband that the guy next to her was _____. (I missed that part.) He inquired who. And she said, "THAT ASSHOLE RIGHT THERE!" Well, the husband threatened/questioned the 'asshole' about what he was doing to his wife. Obviously the asshole said he wasn't doing anything. Asshole's wife started screaming at the other guy and his wife. The first gal started pulling her husband away. He wouldn't go. I'm like OMG, these 40-somethings are going to fight over a GIRL! And if you didn't want your guy to defend your honor why did you so passionately point out the ASSHOLE to him. What exactly did you want him to do?

Before the 'fight' the asshole's wife kept playing with his penis on the outside of this jeans. I'm like. Nice. And after the fight the ASSHOLE kept mauling her ass. She wasn't happy. So slapped his hands away.

We never change do we?!?!? We still fight over girls. We still drink too much when we go out and party. We still love our favorite bands and wear their t-shirts and sing all the words even if it is The Elders.

OMG, his mom is THIRTY-NINE!!!!

2005-11-20T10:24:00.000-06:00

Personal Jesus

* The four day absence because of the loss of phone . Yet you have my email, my forum, my yahoo messenger, my job email.
* The feeling that you don't quite tell me everything -- you have more than one phone? address? home #? The messages I get that I don't think are meant for me? The feeling you tell me what I want to hear vs what you're truly feeling or thinking? That more is going on physically and emotionally than you let on to me.
* The fact that even if the company that found your phone had called me from your list, I wouldn't have been able to help them at all minus the fact that I know your name.
* The stupid thing that I can't get out of my mind; You asked me for my # again, because you had a new phone. Yet the phone you have I use to call after we broke up. I even got the gf/assistant once. Right? How can both things be true?
* That even though I know I shouldn't. I still fear every phone call is the last. That I fear this is going to end like the other times. Which makes me not tell you how I truly feel. Or when I'm upset with you. Or when I'm mad. Or when I need clarification about something. Or that I care. Or that I like you more than I have liked anyone else before. Or that I think about you constantly.
* Not that I planned it at all; but I didn't call or text for two days and I get a, "Are you mad at me?" phone call and within 3 days I don't hear from you for four days.
*The fact that when I call you I have only gotten you twice. Which just feeds my insecurities and need to call more. Vicous circle . .if I knew I could contact you I wouldn't feel the need to hear or call more, yet I never know if when I'll hear form you so my need is driven to hear from you a lot. Silly eh
* That how you felt Saturday morning is what I have gone through more than once with you. The dismissal and not talking SUCKS. I'm sorry that I forgot how horrible that feels and put you through what I've had to endure. I'm not an eye for eye person. But please keep in mind, that my frame of reference and foundation for us is based on those feelings of dismissal of me by you. I feel I'm simply a pawn. That I'm a person you come to when you have a space in your life to fill while you're looking for the next person. I'm a filler. So I'm not honest with my anger, my confusion, or my happiness and caring with you. My feelings.

* That I'm horrible at making a relationship work because I DON'T TALK about what I need to say -- I run. And I run fast.

Just.....

Catch.....

Me

Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there
Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer
Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal jesus...
Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer
I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal jesus
Reach out and touch faith
Depeche Mode

2005-11-19T00:53:00.000-06:00

Things not to do when you're crying over probably never seeing the man you crave more than anything.

Waxing your eyebrows.

2005-11-16T09:30:00.000-06:00

Since the Pony Express is defunked:

He just called.
He lost his phone for four days.
Four Days with no messages.
And because the pony express is no longer in service,
THERE.
IS.
NO.
OTHER.
WAY.
TO.
CONTACT.
ME.
TO.
LET.
ME.
KNOW.
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2005-11-15T07:53:00.000-06:00

If It Walks Like a Douchebag and Talks like a Soulmate

It's a __________? I haven't posted in forever, because the guy I really really really REALLY like) reads this blog. I didn't want to upset him with my doubts and my questions and my fears and my dreams and my wonders I had. Why is my self esteem so low that I change what I do for a man? Don't answer that . . .I know it.

This person came back for the third year in a row. And when he asked, "talk or leave alone" I listened to my -watched-too-many-romantic-movie-he'll-actually-mean-what-he-says-this-time vs every intellectual synapse telling me to tell him to go to hell.

I just wish he'd call one more time, so this time, this time, I can be the one to reject him. I can be the one that sends the message that you don't matter.
I don't even have the decency to tell you that;
Someone new has come into my life?
Someone old?
I'm sick?
My life has gotten too busy to include you?
Something happened to my son?
I'm.
just.
not.
that.
into.
you.?

The sad, pathetic thing?

I'd answer the phone on the first ring.

I love my computer
You make me feel alright
Every waking hour
and every lonely night
I love my computer
for all you give to me:
predictable errors and no identity
And it's never been quite so easy
I've never been quite so happy
All I need to do is click on you
and we'll be joined
in the most soul-less way
And we'll never ruin each other's day
'cuz when I'm through I just click
and you just go away
I love my computer
you're always in the mood
I get so turned on
when I turn on you
I love my computer
you never ask for more
You can be a princess
or you can be my whore
And it's never been quite so easy
I've never been quite so happy
All I need to do is click on you
and we'll be joined
in the most soul-less way
And we'll never ruin each other's day
'cuz when I'm through I just click and you just go away
the world is so big
but it's safe in my domain
Because to you
I'm just a number
and a clever screen name
All I need to do is click on you
and we'll be together for eternity
And no one is ever gonna take my love
from me because I've got security
her password and a key

2005-09-25T10:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry.
I'm on the radio, and my personal life gets mentioned. Obviously a part of it is the fact that I live a dysfunctional social life and secondly, it makes people feel better about their own lives when they hear mine. At least that is what the host says. I like to call that The Springer Theory.

The host was gone for two weeks, and it was in that period that I broke it off with the boyfriend. So it was no surprise that my inability to yet again maintain a relationship was discussed upon the host's return. I gave the reasons: 1. Anger. 2. Lack of a keeping his penis hard.

So he calls in. Of course. Blah. That is how I feel. Blah

I get these messages later.
1. WoW. That was weird.

2. Why do we do the things we do? I hope you don't feel bad about talking about us on air [ ]. I feel like we need to hug or have angry sex or have a raspberry martini.... Something.

3. What I was hoping to say was that you'll find someone with whom you make that connection where you feel comfortable enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable and tell him how you feel about him; about everything.

Minus the coming part of sex, he is fairly decent at the follow up.

A few days later I get this PM:
Him: Good concert?
Me: What I saw of it I'm surprised you didn't go. You go to everything else.

PM: Wow. Was that sarcasm?

Phone call: Hey ummm. Now I know you figure it's me calling but uhhh. I know we're not quite on talking terms yet. But I'm trying to figure out on that message if that was sarcasm or am I just completely reading it wrong which I've know I've done on the past. Bbut uh soo, you can text me back on that one. But I was just trying to figure it out that uhh if if you just don't want me to go i know you can't dictate where I go but I umm so I dunno know the things that the [ ] does I enjoy going to them ummm like Keggs and Eggs this morning. I wanted to see Rilo Kiley. I wasn't going to the concert tonight. Soo thought it'd be fun. Text me if you'd like. Talk to you llllaat [laugher] or uhhh take care

Email: Sorry. If you are pissed at me I don't know what I did. I f you weren't and I misread it than once again I screwed up and realize that emails are open to too much interpretation on tone. I don't know why, but it bothers me to have you mad at me and I always have to know right away and why so I end up doing stupid things. An tonight didn't help with drinking with neighbors.

I know now why I bothered all the men I continued to call, pm, call, messenger after they broke it off. I am sooooooooooooo sorry.

Sorry we broke up,
sorry I missed you
Sorry I wanted only to kiss you
Sorry I promised to love you forever
Made you feel guilty oh when you left me
Sorry I showed up at your party
Sorry I drank up all the Bacardi
Sorry I puked up on your bedspread
Sorry I wanted to be your boyfriend again

What can I do?
It's over it's over it's over it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser

Sorry I saw you and I heard birds sing
Sorry I touched you and I heard bells ring
Sorry I jacked off outside of your window
While you were sleeping, I thought you'd never know
Sorry I showed up at your wedding
Sorry I tried so hard to get in
Sorry I screwed up your picture
Sorry I had sex with your sister

What can I do?
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser

Sorry we broke up,
sorry I missed you
Sorry I wanted only to kiss you
Sorry I promised to love you forever
Made you feel guilty oh when you left me
Sorry I showed up at your dinner
Sorry I said those things to your father
Sorry I crashed through your window on acid
Sorry I made a mess
Sorry I bled to death

What can I do?
It's over it's over it's over it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser

-Nerf Herder

2005-09-17T01:56:00.000-05:00

Slots & Haagan Dazs

I'm actualy sitting in the food court of the Monte Carlo Resort and Casino writing this on the back of cc receipts eating a Rocky Road Dazzler thinking: What does it say about my personality that on Monday I had $240, spent $100, hit $500 on WHEEL OF FORTUUUUUUUUUNNNNE . . .so technically I had $640 and now I'm -$200.

I can totally justify it with the notion that a 3 night 4 day vacation w/ limo, free food several times and free Blue Man troupe tickets only cost me $240. That seems fairly decent.

I have had a blast in Vegas these 4 days, yet I'm feeling melancholy . . uhm like I've lost more than my money. I suck at gambling, and I suck at relationships. I don't know when to fold them or walk away. The house always has the odds & in this new/old relationship, I'm definitely not the house. Yet, the flashy lights and the prospect of hitting the progressive makes me all in.

Questions I still have though:
1. Who is really Leslie Hardin?
2. Why do I continually leave my shampoo in hotel showers?
3. Is the third time really a charm?
4. Surely I won't be abandoned a this time?
5. Why do I feel on the top of the world when talking to this person who has only lead to some of my lowest emotional days?
6. Why am I sooooo competitive at games but not in love when it is the latter that truly matters?
7. How did I get to be so effin awesome!?
8. How many calories would 3 scoops of rocky road Hagaan Dazs that has been covered in hot fudge contain?

2005-09-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Eating Crow
Four years ago I spent the majority of the day teaching 10 year olds and then the rest of my day glued to the news. Before I left for work, I called my mom. I talk a lot to her but not in the mornings. I was talking and then the first plane hit. I told her that this wasn't an accident. By the time I reached school, the second plane had hit. By the time I had students, they were worried. Questioning if the planes were coming here to Kansas. By that time, all had been grounded. I showed them on the maps where NY and DC were and how far we were from them. And then I took a moment silently to wonder what NY & DC teachers were telling their students to help.

This past week with the flooding some same concerns. Can the waters reach us? Can the hurricanes get us? I assured them that hurricanes couldn't reach us. The special things were needed to flood an entire city like NO, and we didn't have those conditions. I told them that KC can have flooded areas and just don't go there during that time.

And another moment of silence in my head. A lot of students walk home and live everyday in conditions that I couldn't fathom. Gun shots. Poverty. I get broke but know in three days I have money coming in, my tank of gas will last and my fully stocked kitchen will as well. I've had students have to walk over victims on their way to school buses. A student found a body in the park last year.

But but but . . . learn your multiplication facts because that is what our government has determined is important knowledge to obtain at age ten. These students have so much knowledge already in areas that I pray I never have to learn or know how to exist within.

And I was feeling bad about a broken relationship.

2005-09-11T09:38:00.000-05:00

I need hot fudge & martinis

I work at a job that people can hear things about my personal life that are entertaining therefore the truth is heightened to do that. The bf heard me say that I was desperate for the internet when in Detroit, so I could get an email . . . then I made the other person stop talking at that point.

Truth: I was looking for email while in Detroit from someone, but I wasn't desperate for it. It was an option in the hotel room that wasn't working.

He called and left a very tense voice message:
A. I should either be worried or B. That was a bit?

I get home and call back. He doesn't answer so I say I'm going to bed and that it was a bit.

I missed your call. I'll call tomorrow, very 'down' sounding.

Next message:
I'm not starting to call and call again, but I just got your message. I know it was a bit. I was just trying to be sarcastic.

Wednesday:
Some bullshit message I don't remember.

Then
Wednesday
Hey its me. Just for the record I'm doing my obssessive calling thing. Ummm I was calling to say if you would like to hear me apologize, give me a call. Been stressed out of my mind trying to get deals done. Not making me a happy guy. So umm that was based on my second message which was fairly rude. So if you'd like to hear me apologize, give me a call I'll actually be pretty much around all of the time. Talk to you later.
I didn't want to hear another apology, so I didn't call.

Thursday
6:06 pm
Well, yes, its me. Umm, I'm just calling cuz I guess I'm wondering if we're back in that ackward situation again. Umm if we are, then umm I don't know what to say. Ya know if that's the case then typically you're not the one to call -- which I understand. Umm so give me a call if we're not. I'm just getting a wierd feeling. Hey if we are, I understand. And ummm I don't know . . . I don't know what to say. Hopefully I'll talk to you later. If not, good luck and take care and bye

Friday
3:34 pm
Hey, So once again it's down to voice mail. But uhh I guess I pretty much have my answer. Soo, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I don't know exactly what happened at the end there. I think something something went wrong. You're a fantastic person. I wish you all the best and good luck in everything you do You deserve the best. You derseve a really big ole special person to be with and I hope you find him. Take Care. Maybe someday down the road if our paths cross . . . .bye

Saturday
11:03 am
Hi. Ummm I'm having a little bit of trouble letting this go cuz I guess I'm trying to figure out what happened. While I'd appreciate you calling and letting me know, you don't have to. You could text me That would be fantastic. I totally just wish to find out what happened there at the end. So take care of yorself.

Me being the chickenshit I am, texted this:
One too many anger burst directed at me followed by an apology. You have every right to have a rough day and want my hand to hold but not directed @ me.

Saturday
11:43
Hey its me. I got your text. I apprepricate that ummm yeah, well I guess I didn't see I was that bad and directed it that much at you. So I could say I'm sorry and I'm truly am, but I know sorry doesn't cut it. If you'd wanna still talk that'll be great. I understand you don't want to be in a relationship where somebody takes their day out on you vs telling their day with you. Do me one last favor and text me back and let me know if you still want to talk at all or maybe even at some point want to be friends. You're a great person and I like being with you. I feel stupid that I blew it. Please text me and let me know what you're thinking. Thanks bye.

Text 1
I really was never an angry guy before. I guess I never realized how mad I am at my exwife. I know it's not an excures I just never realized. I need to . . .

2
. . .go to therapy before I date. I am sorry.

3
While I probably know the answer, I have to ask. I am going to find a therapist and work on my post-divroce anger issues.

4
And I'm doing it for myself. Am I worth the emotional effort? Or am carrying too much baggage right now?

Me
Yes at worth it. I'm just too selfish of a person to help.

5
If I'm worth the wait, that's great. If not, can we honestly at least be friends. I know it's a cliche, but I really enjoy being around you. . . .

6
Believe it or not, I truly was happy being with you even though I probably didn't show it enough.

7
If it is too awkward, I won't come to Fuel or any other remotes where you are. I know you'll say that I can go and do whatever I want . . . .

8
But I don't want to bother you. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You deserve everything. I am glad that our paths crossed even with the sadness . . .

9
I caused. I am better for having been with you.

10
Sorry, I got your text, but didn't quite understand. Did you say I am worth it, but you are too selfish to help me right now?

Me
Yes

11
After I spend some time in therapy and work on these issues, am I worth thinking about again in a relationship sort of way? And did you at least enjoy . . .

12
. . .our time together when I acted like I should act?

I enjoyed thoroughly.

13
but I'm not worth thinking about again?

Me
I didnt say that. You work on you & I'll work on me & we'll go from there.

14
I know you didn't say that. And if it came across nasty it wasn't meant to be. I was just trying to clarify. Okay?

Me
Case in point.

15
Case in point?

16
Do you think we will be able to be comfortable around each other when we're not dating or do you not want me to come to Fuel, etc.?

17
I won't if it will be too awkward.

Me
I can't dictate where you want to go. I gotta work now.

18
Thanks

So why do I feel bad?

2005-09-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

Doritos, Laffy Taffy, & a 24 hour road trip.

Bosses wedding in Detroit was last weekend. Five of us poorer employees drive. Actually, I would have flown if my co-worker had given me my invitation off his desk months ago. I'm the only "adult" going according to Hertz, so I rent the van. Grab a cooler, water, Pepsi, ice, huge bag of potato chips, pringles & assorted candies, and we hit the road early Saturday morning errrr around 10:30 am.

One of my co-workers I just don't get. And people like that I allow to annoy me quickly. When I have control over how I react, I let him get to me. Thank god one of the passengers, we called Walgreens, had magic pills that make you sleep. Otherwise, I would have ran us into a concrete barrier within the KC city limits. The cycle starts. The shot-gun person changed CDs all the way there, the minions in the back slept, woke, smoked, ravaged, slept, smoked . . .

On one food stop, we are waiting in line to order. It was a fast food type place that cooks to order. (They cooked E. coli bacteria at one point on their history. But my god, the cheesey potato wedges are worth the risk.) So we're waiting. Mr. Annoying is first in line (as usual) and has waited ummmm, 30 seconds. The man in front of our group has stepped to the side to wait for his order, and the clerk has turned around to get his drink. Mr. A. having had to wait 29 seconds too long, reaches.over.the.counter.and.gets.a.cup.and.then.goes.and.gets.a.drink. We're dumbfounded to say the least. He then gets back in his spot slurping down his red fanta (hums the damn Fanta tune now . . . sorry) and orders. Then he being the used-car-salesmen-type-personality he his, argues about the price. Saying that they over charged. She said, in perfect comedic timing, "Why? Because I charged you for the drink you're already drinking?" Mr. A. honestly saw nothing, NOTHING wrong with his actions. He giggled and then sashayed to a table. Ate. Climbed back into the most comfortable seat in the van. Which was funny, because we didn't care as long as it shut him up!

There are some funny things said but not when repeated. You had to be there type of stuff! We finally get to Detroit around midnight and decide to go gamble in Windsor. We get on 75 SOUTH to cross into Canada. Questioning at the border: Why are you here? What are you going to do in Canada? You think you can cross the border with just your liscenses?

We're in! Find the casino. I walk out with $470 more than when I walked in the place. Mr. A. thinks I should now pay for all the gas. Told me to "Be generous." How horrible of a person am I that if he wasn't a part of the trip, I would have shared. I couldn't pay for three other people because there was no way I was going to help him.

The wedding the next night is beautiful. I was speechless seing the reception hall. I felt in awe. He was marrying his best friend.

We climb back into the van the next morning all a little tired. . . a little hungover. Some of us thinking only of ourselves. I 'd like to say it was Mr. A., but in fact, was me. My plot in life. Basically single. Not dating my best friend. Not having the ability to over look Mr. A and do the nice deed that should have been done all along. I fester all day with these feelings and by the time we get home 12.5 later, I'm a raging bitch.

Ahhhhhh, the fun of road trips.

2005-08-31T07:20:00.000-05:00

Hot Fudge, Red Raspberry Martini & Smarty Jones

That is what I had a dose of right before I go to sleep. This is the product.
Dream I.

It was the Christmas Eve Day, and I had to go get my nails done. I go to a place and am told that I need a new set. Well the girl I adore is there, and I ask if she has time. She IS open and has be sit and she is going outside for a brief moment. I reason she is going out for a cigarette. This place is very busy. It is the holidays, so I'm talking. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I wait EIGHT hours. During the time, I think about my meek gifts I've gotten my family for Christmas this year. (CDs. They were free. I work at a place where I can get a few CDs for free.) I seemed to have also filled my time by painting my nails . . which have seemed to grow during this wait . . with gold sparkly nail polish. I still think about getting Christmas gifts for tomorrow and maybe Borders is going to still be open. Books are good. I have images of my childhood home being decorated and my family hanging out with my bf there.

Someone finally recognizes the fact that I've been there so long and asks. I said I'm waiting for so and so. She comes strolling in and is embarrassed. She had gone out to smoke and then went shopping. She had forgotten about me.

I then am in my car driving home in my 92 SL2 Saturn. It rattles. I'm going over this "bridge" thingy that has a little water on it. I immediatly sink into this that that can only be described as a huge garbage dumpster filled with water impersianating a bridge. Of course I escape easily from my car and swim to the top due to my hours of watching and longing to be on Fear Factor. Suddenly I'm in trouble but there are rescuers there to help me. But the "dumpster" is sinking and taking me with it. One guy has my hand and the other one is reaching for me.

I'm hoping Borders is still open.

Dream II.
At a concert at a venue that doesn't exist. I see one of the workers and recognize her but don't know from where. She is like umm we were in a play together and shared the lead with one other girl. I'm like. Oh yeah. How are you doing?

I think go into the other part of the venue which is inside. My phone has a message but for some reason the panel won't light. Nor will the game Galaga come off the face of it. I lay on the floor under this plug in that has some sort of 'night light' on it. It doesn't give me enough light to use my phone or fix it. I need to call the person with my tickets who is already in her seat to come meet me, so I can get into the concert.

I step into smokers area to finally fix my phone. There is this adorable little girl there. Long curly brunette hair . . . I strike up a conversation and learn she is looking for one more ticket so both parents can get into the concert. I'm like good luck. And I think. Is this a scam?? If not. I need to give her my other ticket.

Questions:
Gold lame' nail polish?? What was I thinking?
Who the hell was I seeing in concert!?!?

2005-08-30T06:01:00.000-05:00

Ginger Salad or Red Raspberry Martini or Something New

If you read my very first post, you know I can't decide between sandwiches at McDonalds which of course translates into not being able to make decisions in life. And now I have a huge one.

The BF called and wants to take me out this week. Like real date. I get to decide the restaurant. Holy Moly!!! Two sandwiches, and I'm suck. Can you imagine the agony that this is causing. I have the entire Kansas City dinery at my distrection, and what to do?

What.
To.
Do.

Option A: I thought about sushi, because it is his favorite. THAT is an awesome girlfriend thing to do . . . ginger salad.
Option B: Cheesecake Factory. Ahhhh raspberry martinis. (Which I've learned their undercover recipe, and I have connections to the type of raspberry puree they use.)
Option C: Someplace new to go. The Mango Room. Highly recommended by my boss but not his gf.
Option D: McCormick and Schmick's. Oysters on a half shell. Slurp
Option E: Hereford House. I saw on Oprah that steak says in your intestines for a week. You wouldn't want that on your kitchen counter, why would you want it in your gut??? Have they tasted the Prime Rib from Hereford House? You'd want it in your bowels as often as possible.
Option F: It is Kansas City: BBQ. . . which causes an entirely new sub-category.
Option G: Cheesecake Factory. Their hot fudge. Well. Just order it on the side without the ice cream or cheesecake. Have Adam or Linda be your server too at the south location.
Option H: George Brett's Place: Plaza. Sports Hero. Uber Cool.
Option F: Kono Grill. If I'm not cool enough to understand all of Jack White, there is no way I'm cool enough for this Manhatten in Kansas City wanna be place. Well I'm cool enough . . . my ass isn't though.
Option G: Ruth's Chris. Delicious. SEE Option E.
Option H: Matador's. cheesy artichoke dip thingy.
Option I: Mexican SEE Option F
Option J: McCoy's. I know the sandwich when I see it. Roast Beef with cheese. AND AND AND chocolate bread pudding.

Do you think if I think of this long enough I won't have to truly think at all.
About issues.
My inability to open up.
How good of a teacher am I really and/or how much damage/good am I truly doing.
Why am I so selfish?
I should read more about politics so when I argue, I can use facts to get the stupid people to shut up more.
Never letting my future children meet the best person they'll ever know, my mom. BECAUSE I can't find a guy whose sperm I'd use.
Why did I get a dog?
How do I actually accomplish winning that oscar if I never get a movie offer.
If I rearrange my furniture, will it look better?
Smarty Jones

Maybe I'll just go to the Italian place.
Giggles.

2005-08-27T11:53:00.000-05:00

Nachos, Jack & a Hot Head

First and foremost, I'm not cool enough to get all of Jack White and his dirty (Stolen from a friend on how she described it.) guitar playing. I thoroughly enjoy his stuff and feel the blues influence in his music. I'm just not cool enough. Hip enough. Intelligent enough to get him. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb all of it, and feel it to my core. I just don't. It has been said that music needs to make me feel. There were times I wanted to be listening alone in a huge loft with red wine or martinis, a great sky line and Jack & Meg playing for me personally. I guess I just don't see why I don't feel that way all the time. Other times, I just felt I was there with the wrong guy versus listening to the music.

Which brings me to this point. My bf went to say hello to an acquaintance he saw pass us. Upon his return, my boss's boss was sitting at the end of the row. My bf went to get in and said excuse me. My boss's boss was in a conversation with his friend, stopped it, looked up, and proceeded to let my bf into the row to join me.

This is where the gross injudicious occurred. My bf asked who that guy was at the end of the row. I told him. My bf then gritted his teeth like he wanted to hit someone and said that the guy (my boss's boss) looked at him like he was crap. ( I purposely forgot the exact word he used. ) Okay . . . First of all, my boss's boss is the type of guy no one can hate. You want to, because he has everything going for him; nice dresser, witty, charismatic, nice job, totally good looking . . Just overall a SWELL guy. So I informed my bf of this fact and that he must have misinterpreted the look. Wasn't a good thing to say.

Which brought back a memory of movie night the Friday before. We waited to watch the credits and others didn't. A gentlemen in a cowboy hot tripped over my bf's foot. He got angry. Muttled shit under his breath about how he should trip him blah blah blah. I told my bf that I did see the guy during the entire movie watching him versus the movie I'm sure planning his attack. My bf was mildly amused and dropped the issue. These aren't the only times I've had to simmer him down or feel the need to do such: people watching him across a parking lot, waitresses not serving us fast enough etc etc etc.

I don't get this behavior. Is it self-esteem issues? Is it the fact that he is 1/2 Asian & 1/2 Caucasian, and I truly don't know the crap he has dealt with due to racism? Is it just that he is a hot head? Relationships take work, and I realize that. But am I suppose to hold his hand out of a mothering type of feeling vs a gf I can't want to touch you more type of feeling?

He did buy me nachos without jalapeños, even though I love them, because my stomach was upset. He had them. How apropos.

2005-08-02T17:18:00.000-05:00

You Should Try the Tiramisu

I frequent this Italian restaurant quite frequently-- stuffed mushrooms, chicken with banana peppers & a side of penne pasta = heaven. It dawned on me that the last two times I've taken guys I was dating, they/we've/I've broken up with them shortly after the dining experience.

Yellow-Sub Dave was one of my favorite people to meet. He was charming. Attractive. Charismatic. Sensual. And I messed it up!!! We went to eat and have a lovely meal. Talked. Laughed. We then went home and watched movies and had a lovely night of kissing. He woke up to a dreadful email that I sent in haste, because I was angry at someone else. Being a reasonable person, he stopped seeing me. Who needs drama, and I am that. This occurred days after eating at this establishment.

My lastest bf and I went again. It was the day after that the concert experience happened. See July 30's entry fish or big mac for details

Is it the Italian food or just me?

But seriously, the tiramisu amazing.

2005-07-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have a horrible time deciding between the fish sandwich or the Big Mac

I was/am dating this really nice guy. Since this is my first entry, a little history. I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS AND PICKING MEN TO DATE. That said, this guy is really nice. Calls. Sees me. Spends the night. Holds me. Picks up things I might like or need when he is out shopping.

So what is the issue? On the way to a concert he was quiet. I didn't ask. At the concert, I was rude and didn't introduce him to someone. It was wrong. It was rude. It was inconsiderate, and my rudeness shouldn't be ignored. He stayed mad all night. (The Dead 60's. Awesome.) I went up to stand by him and rub his back with my nails. He flinched away from me. He stood on the opposite side of where I was standing. Then during the end of their set, he went and sat against the wall. Set done. I went and offered my hand to help him off the floor. He rolled his eyes at me. Seethingly got up, and we walked to my car. In deafening silence, we rode home. Well the radio was playing, but an awkward silence filled my SL2 Saturn. I hate confrontations. Therefore, like all good passive aggressive people, I didn't ask what was wrong. Thank goodness we have open communication in our relationship.

Drove up to his garage and as he was getting out of the car, he said, "You don't even care why I'm upset." So we discussed it. Including why he was mad at my house that morning. Why he was mad on the car ride TO the concert. And why he should have been mad at my rudeness.

House that morning: I was "cold". I told him I pulled away, because it is uncomfortable being told you're in love (and then quizzed about loving back) added with we should have a baby together 2.5 weeks into a relationship. I told him that perhaps when he takes his wedding picture off the entertainment center at his house, maybe I'd warm up to those notions.

On car ride: I'm going on a business trip and have to find a co-worker to share a room. A guy (who is like a brother) wants to share with me, because some of the others will delve into illegal substances while in Vegas. He is a recovering alcoholic. Was he upset that I was going to share with my co-worker? No, he was upset because I MENTIONED illegal substances would allegeally be consumed by co-workers.

At the concert: I was rude and didn't introduce him to people I knew.

After acknowledging my wrong doings and going to fix my very rude behavior, we left on a "let's hang out but slow down" feeling.

Next day. I over sleep. I miss his 8 am call, because my phone was off and in my purse. I have meetings with a boss. I then go to my second job and work until 7. After that, I go look at apartments. I then take myself to dinner. During job & after apartment looking, I shut off my phone because lack of battery. I go home. Flowers in front of my door. Ahhhhh, with a note:
I am sorry about last night and the past weeks. I've been an idiot. I put you in an unfair position. I know we can't start over, but I do (really do) want to get over the hump and go forward and see what happens. I think, "I need to call him." I plug in my phone and see that he has called SIX times in 45 minute. Hrmm a bit odd. My little dog hasn't been out all day, so obviously I need to take her out. While outside, he pulls up (in a Mercedes). Creep-Stalking alert kicks off in my head. I tell him he needs to go, because I need time to think.

Flash forward three days. He leaves the sweetest message on my phone,
Hello how are you. Just checking in to see if you were ready to talk to you wanted some more time to think things over. So let me know ummm be honest w/ you you can call me back if you don't feel comfortable do that you can call my cell phone and I won't answer that because I'm at home. Whatever you decide just know that you deserve good things and I hope you find them in your life. I want what is best for you because you are a good person. Bye and I wait for my opportunity to call back. Did I purposely not make time? Probably. Because I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations. In my mind, I was waiting for a time there would be no interruptions. During me waiting, he calls another five times with only one message: Hey it's me. I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk to tonight. I guess I got my answer. Ummm. I don't know what to say. Take care. Talk to you later. I go home and guess who drives up in his Mercedes.

I'm nuts? Boo- hoo you're upset because a guy likes you AND ACTUALLY calls you back. How awful!!
He's creepy?: No one calls over and over and over and then drives over when the phone calls haven't been returned!!!

Next day new message on phone telling me he is sorry. That I was probably right about too soon to date after his divorce. (The actual phone message was like three minutes.)

No relationship is perfect. It isn't like the movies. You learn to deal with the stupidity of being human. BUT anger issues? Controlling issues? Or just someone who doesn't want to lose what he views as a really great girl. And me not being able to handle someone liking me for me? I see why people become nuns. Much easier to devote to someone who isn't really there. Like an internet boyfriend 15 states away with masturbation.

So should I get the fish sandwich or Big Mac?